Fatherhood: The Identity Shift That Changes Everything

“I didn’t want responsibility, until I realized it was the only way I’d grow.”

Fatherhood

Today I wanted to dedicate this newsletter to something truly special in my life, fatherhood. I have found it to be the most difficult and fulfilling endeavor in my life.

But it wasn’t always this way, for those of you who see me happy and in love on my social media, you may not know I didn’t want kids…. Like ever.

I always had a plan for my life, work hard in my twenties, travel, and find love in my thirties, and kids maybe one day, but no real desire or intention to do so.

Honestly the idea of just being really wealthy, no responsibilities, and the ability to travel the world with someone I love sounded like the best possible outcome of a life well lived for me.

When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan

Have you ever heard the saying “If you want to make God laugh, tell him you have a plan?” Because that’s what it felt like when I found out my girlfriend was pregnant.

I thought that God was laughing at me, and this was a sick joke with a dreadful punchline. I remember all I felt in that moment was fear, anger, frustration, but most importantly, that my life as I thought it would be was over.

My plans forever altered, and an experience I did not want to have, would soon be upon me. (I’m wondering have any of you ever felt this way, about anything in your life?)

I remember thinking of all the things from running away and changing my name, to faking my own death, yes I know it’s a bit extreme, but hey it was a way out… sort of?

The thing I wanted was an escape, but from what? Well, plainly put… responsibility, duty, selflessness, and much more. All the things that would actually challenge me to do something I guess I wasn’t prepared to do, grow as a person.

The Mirror You Can’t Avoid

You see the interesting thing I learned about having a kid, is that if you even care at all about them, you’re forced to look at yourself under a microscope. And that microscope revealed, I had been lazy, complacent, uncaring, and accepting of my own limitations and mediocrity.

I remember sitting there, making just enough money to pay my bills, and still gaming for a few hours a day, procrastinating on my tasks, and overall just being unproductive.

The Questions That Change Everything

However the thoughts that took over were, what kind of man do you want to be for your daughter? How do you want her to talk about you?

What do you want to teach her? How will she think of your relationship with her mom? Will she admire you?

What does it even look like for her to admire you?

Why would she admire you?

Most importantly how do I become all the things I want her to think of me?

You see the most interesting thing about this was that I was going to be forced to change, if I wanted to rise to the occasion and be a man of value.

This really slapped a good dose of reality into me, making me realize how little of my potential I was living up to, and then realizing that someone would observe my mediocrity.

But not just someone, perhaps the most important someone that I would have a duty and obligation to teach and show how to operate in this crazy world.

I knew I couldn’t let her down, she never asked to be born, but despite that she deserved the best I had, even if I wasn’t living it.

The Identity Shift

This last line I just wrote is the line that truly changed it all. I created a belief system that was more empowering than the emotion I experienced.

This belief system carried me away into better and more intentional action, to challenge myself in the most important ways to show up and truly grow as a man.

The problem with my daughter being born, was simply the mindset I held about what it meant, until of course I took control and decided the narrative was my decision!

The Three Questions We Always Answer

Everyday we encounter a few questions we must answer, which either supports or inhibits our growth. We ask ourselves these questions multiple times a day, and in almost every single situation we encounter.

They are: What’s this really about? Who am I? And What does this make me feel?

These questions without intention can drive you towards terrible outcomes and worse answers, but when I learned to guide myself through them in every situation I started realizing how I was perpetuating my own victimhood and pain.

Once I began to unravel these complexities I realized it was simple.

What was this really about? - I Didn’t want to grow up and be a better man. 

Who am I? - Someone not capable, ready or willing to step up. 

What does this make me feel? Afraid, angry, sad, exhausted.

These levels of honesty were the final nails in the coffin of this victim ridden identity. Next was the shift, I was then able to shift and say I am a father, with a sense of duty, and I am enthusiastic about the adventures to come.

Lessons From Fatherhood

Overall if there is anything I’ve learned on this journey of fatherhood, it’s probably these few takeaways that I hope you can apply to your life:

Get extremely clear and intentional about who you are, don’t lie or embellish, be 100% truthful about who you are, or you can never begin the process of change.

Create clarity about who you want to become, based on what you want out of life, and how you want to be perceived in this world. (I know this sounds counter intuitive as we always discuss internal beliefs, but external validation of an internal belief is one of the quickest ways we can actually build TRUE lasting confidence)

Choose your actions carefully, and attach meaning to them, help yourself by inviting the judgement of someone you love and respect into your decision making process. (Such as this thing I’m about to do would (Whoever is important to you) admire me for doing this)

Allow yourself to be curious and creative. Life will surprise you and if you hold onto your limitations and rigidity you’re going to miss out on some of the MOST beautiful moments you may experience.

Make room for love. I don’t know in what form you may need some, but love is truly the most amazing feeling, and I’ve found that to make room for it, is to just give yourself responsibility and duty to something bigger than yourself. Find what really matters for you and dedicate yourself to it.

Closing Thoughts 

I’m extremely grateful for my fatherhood journey, but most importantly what it really comes down to, is an identity shift into the next best version of me.

Just know this, whoever you are right now, you’re not a human being, you’re a human-becoming. We are always becoming someone for better or worse, but the choice is always up to you.

I am so abundantly joyful that I have been able to allow myself the space to grow as a father, and I hope you allow yourself to grow into whoever it is that you aspire to become as well.

To my fathers out there, I see you, and I appreciate you for stepping up, and I truly hope you have a sense of duty to your children. I know how life changing it has been for me to care deeply about someone other than myself.