The Hard Truth About Your Relationships

“Life will be 100% what you make of it and 0% of what you wish it to be.”

Facing the Pattern

Have you ever struggled with your romantic relationships?

My romantic life has never been great, in fact very far from perfect.

I was in multiple relationships and at least 70% of those ended up with the woman cheating on me.

My friends would have me believe “it’s always them not you” which were the comforting words I wanted to hear.

However the uncomfortable truth was, if the only common denominator was me, then it’s most likely me who is the issue.

Repeating the Same Mistakes

I had this habit of also picking the same woman, mostly due to my own insecurities.

I found I was typically dating a very aggressive type of woman who would choose me, mostly because my confidence was awful, I had low self-esteem, and high anxiety.

This was a formula for the woman I did not want to date, but would be the only woman I could get.

Now the funny part is this: Though it was the women who cheated on me, I was the genius that kept picking the same women, and doing the same things in each relationship.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I diagnosed myself as insane, and went on my way dating like this for a few years.

The Breaking Point

It really wasn’t until my last breakup that I suffered enough to do anything about this change.

My last relationship left me pretty shattered.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, I admittedly went through her phone while she slept, because I had that feeling that things had been EXTREMELY off with us.

You know that deep pit in your stomach when your intuition is so spot on, and you really wish it wasn’t, that was the night I found the information I needed.

The girl I spent years with, gave a promise ring to, and was thinking of marriage with… I found was sleeping at another guy's house almost every single night for the past 2 weeks.

I remember waking her up, asking if she wanted to work on this (man was I pathetic) and then crying when she said no, as she got her stuff and left.

She also left the promise ring on my doorstep the next day.

I also found out she cheated on me multiple times in the relationship with other guys.

Suffice to say, I needed a break from dating. A LONG BREAK.

The Realization

I decided to take about a year to be single, it was my time to live it up.

I also started to think, if I keep attracting the wrong women, it’s because I am the wrong kind of man.

Throughout my years of personal development the constant lesson I’ve learned is that you are INCAPABLE of having the things you want if you are not the person capable of having them.

For instance if I wanted a quality woman, I needed to be a higher quality man.

What I Had to Change (Part 1: Internal Work)

What would that look like though?

The external world is just a reflection of the internal one, so what exactly did I need to do in here to get what I wanted out there?

Here’s what I came up with:

Work on my confidence, become the man that chooses the woman he desires, not one who settles for the woman that chooses him out of his own insecurities.

Learn to become more attentive and caring, I had a habit of isolating myself when stressed and I learned this can really drive your loved one into the arms of another.

Do things for yourself, because you want the result, not because you think it will help keep people around.

This was a really big thing for me, I would consistently go through cycles in my relationships because I would do things to appease, not because I wanted to do them.

I had some heavy people pleasing tendencies.

Learn to truly accept the person you’re with, or leave.

Psychological research has shown that the happiest couples are actually the ones that focus on accepting the other person the most, and focus on controlling themselves the most.

The unhappiest couples focus on trying to change one another and controlling each other's behaviors.

What I Had to Change (Part 2: How I Showed Up in Relationships)

Get really clear on the lifestyle you want to live, and then invite the person on that journey with you.

Relationships tend to suffer because one person really doesn’t feel involved, like they are just a passenger along for the ride instead of a partner experiencing it with you.

Don’t ever stop dating.

I used to think that the compliments, dumb jokes, flirtations, and fun should stop at a certain point.

That’s the exact mindset that will end what could be an amazing relationship.

I mean it’s only logical, if you stop doing what got you the person in the first place, you’ll never keep them.

Communicate and be curious.

I found that oftentimes in my relationships I wanted to be heard so badly that I would not hear.

If you both want to be heard, neither person wants to listen, be willing to listen first, and get curious about what the other person needs.

After you give your partner space to speak, reflect it back, show active listening and affirm.

From there you will have your opportunity to speak, and they will be open to listening.

This is how you bridge the communication gaps, one person needs to be willing to be the bigger person and create a relationship that promotes active listening and doing the work.

Make changes often and willingly.

This is the biggest and final take away I have for you.

So many relationships fail because of inflexibility.

When you say “This is just how I am” your own bullshit alarm needs to go off, because it really means you’re afraid or unwilling to put in the effort to make changes.

Closing Thoughts

I hope these takeaways from my life can help you enhance yours.

I learned a lot of these not only while I was exploring being single, but when I dated someone very special after that year as well.

I was thinking this morning how after all the crazy crap that happened in all my relationships and my life I have her, and I’m grateful.

We have our disagreements, there are things I can continue to do better to support and love her properly, but overall she’s the best.

The biggest thing she’s done for me, aside from birthing my best friend Sage, is she has always helped me become a better man.

Many of those reflections above, I actually learned from being with her.

She always pushes me to take myself to that next level and cheers me on every step of the way.

She’s been my best friend, my trusted business advisor, mother to my daughter, and adventure buddy.

Happy birthday to the woman who inspires me daily, thank you for showing me so much more to life, and honestly for encouraging me to experience it too.

I’d be ¼ the man without you.