Expectations: The Hidden Killer of Relationships

“Expectations destroy relationships. Curiosity builds them.”

Do you want to build unbreakable relationships?

I’ve come to learn that expectations can kill all types of relations, from family to friends, work, or intimate relationships.

It doesn’t matter what the relationship is and with whom, if you set expectations for others your relationships will consistently be doomed to fail.

Allow me to share a few of my most noteworthy failures with you here, and hopefully convince you as to why you need to learn to nurture and grow your relationships expectation free.

As a college guy, I struggled often with building and sustaining relationships in my life.

Due to my severe insecurity and self esteem issues, I had all types of problems with people, more specifically however, my expectations of what relationships should look like.

You see to me, building relationships wasn’t a super genuine get to truly know you type of deal, it was more based on what I believe is the right way to do things.

(Aka my selfish expectations cast onto others)

Here’s a hint.

Anytime you think someone should do something because it’s how you were raised, or it’s based on what your believe system is, you aren’t truly learning about or connecting with that person.

You’re merely expecting them to be a version of themselves based on what you think reality should be like, and expecting them to conform to it.

I spent a lot of my time living this way.

The Expectations That Ruined My Relationships

I ruined potential relationships with women I was interested in because I knew if they were interested in me, they should be texting me all day.

(Ooof this even sounds needy just writing it)

As you can imagine this ruined a lot of potential relationships and stopped them from developing further than a few texts here and there.

To be friends, I believed I should be invited to everything even if I wasn’t going, or else they didn’t like me or value my time, and most importantly they disrespected me and didn’t include me.

(Ooof again)

This spelled the end of friendships that were in the early stages as I was unable to keep the jealousy down.

With my own extended family, I expected that we should be together often, for all the holidays, and do what those big families in Christmas movies did, which was call each other often and hang out just as much.

Yet when my cousins didn’t call me to hang out or wouldn’t answer my call I wrote them off as no longer family.

This led to me isolating myself from them even on the few occasions we did have time together.

Even at work, I had this idea that if I had to answer a question about why I did something, I felt they were saying I was incompetent and I would become defensive and basically be a major jerk until I left the facility I was working at.

The reality was that questions are how we connect, grow, and learn from each other, and shying away from them due to my expectations only hurt my work relationships and hindered my growth as a professional.

All in all, I’d say I was a ridiculous person, operating out of such a terrible belief system based on things that would never support my growth in any relationship.

As I began to do more inner work, I concluded that it truly was only me who was ruining all the relationships in my life.

When looking in the mirror I was only staring at the reality of myself causing all the harm and pain, and then I had to ask the question of how can I change these things about myself for the better?

Learning to Build Better Relationships

I had to learn a lot about not only calming my expectations but also how to connect with others and build relationships.

Release people from your expectations and watch your relations flourish.

Let’s discuss some of the ways that building relationships can enhance your life in Work, Family, Romance and Friendships.

Work

According to research statistics, employee satisfaction skyrockets nearly 50 percent when a worker develops a close relationship on the job.

In addition to making time at work more enjoyable, it also impacts people’s commitment to their jobs and colleagues, which positively impacts effort and performance.

(Maybe your job only sucks because you think it does?)

Family

In a study of 18,185 individuals, those who experienced positive adolescent family relationships had significantly lower levels of depressive symptoms from early adolescence to midlife late 30s to early 40s than did those who experienced less positive family relationships.

(Build your family as if you want your children to be happy one day.)

Romantic

Three out of four couples who report effective communication feel more emotionally connected.

Regular date nights mean great marriage satisfaction for 83 percent of couples.

Couples in healthy relationships are 50 percent more likely to live longer.

(You'll get the love you give in your romance life, make sure to make it special.)

Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people.

There is no imbalance of power.

Partners respect each other's independence, can make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decisions.

Friendships

It takes time.

Studies show that it takes an average of 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 hours to transition to being a friend and more than 200 hours together to become good friends.

Pick common topics.

Among at least one close friend, 58 percent say work comes up in conversation, while 57 percent say family comes up often.

About half say the same about current events.

(Friendships are a beautiful thing, we cannot survive this world alone, we all need someone, even if it is just a good friend to lift you up.)

A Simple Practice to Try

Overall developing relationships aren’t easy, but it is so worthwhile, especially if you want to lead a fulfilling life.

If you're struggling with expectations try this:

With every person you meet, imagine that they are absolutely perfect the way they are and YOU WANT to get to KNOW THAT PERSON.

Focus on getting to know them, without any expectation of where the relationship might lead and how they should act.

Ask them questions, listen to their stories, and try to learn more about who they are as a person.

Begin learning the person who is sitting in front of you through genuine curiosity and connection.

Also hey here is a video I did about 2 years ago, check it out, I ain't lying about this stuff.

Click here to watch the reel: Instagram.

Closing Thoughts

If you reel in your expectations, you’ll begin finding more joy, love, happiness, connection and passion in all relationships you build and all endeavors you embark on with others.

So good luck and go build those relationships.

Always rooting for your success in life.